Jerry, you need to find god
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
