I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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