no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
