Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
3 2 1 whiskey
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
