every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
