He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
