I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
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