you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
