Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
