I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize