Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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