I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
