okay pat passed out under dana's car
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
