I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
we're making bets on your personal life
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
