Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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