She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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