mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
