I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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