Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
