Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
