remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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