Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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