when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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