Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
