you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
