I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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