i think my tv is drunk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
