when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
