wanna go halves on a baby?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
