sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
