I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
