Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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