If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
