This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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