I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
