my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize