I just saw a hot homeless man
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
