Michael Bay diarrhea
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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