Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
