that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
