I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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