There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
