Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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