My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
