i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
