i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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