Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
