yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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