you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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