we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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