This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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