I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
