eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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