What a fucking waste of an outfit
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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