My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
