I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
