She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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