My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
