You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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