bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Blood and glitter go together right?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
