highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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