dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
