Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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