Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
